Inspiration

I am having trouble believe that God cares for me. I always figured that others needs and wants comes first. I am not talented at all, I have no creativity, can;t sing a damn. However, when I was listening to the radio, a Pink song came on. My counselor things that song was meant to be a inspiration for me. Im not sure if its Gods work, or just lucky coicidence. I think that I overthink too much. I dont just let things be. Below is Pinks song Perfect. I have bolded, where her words has struck home with me.

Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn, once or twiceDug my way out, blood and fireBad decisions, that's alrightWelcome to my silly lifeMistreated, misplaced, misunderstoodMiss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated. Look, I'm still aroundPretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feelLike you're less than fuckin' perfectPretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothingYou're fuckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong Change the voices in your head, make them like you insteadSo complicated, look happy, you'll make it! Filled with so much hatred...such a tired gameIt's enough! I've done all I can think ofChased down all my demons,

I've seen you do the sameOh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feelLike you're less than fuckin' perfect{ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/fuckin_-perfect-lyrics.html }Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothingYou're fuckin' perfect to meThe whole world's scared so I swallow the fearThe only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beerSo cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhereThey dont like my jeans, they don't get my hairExchange ourselves, and we do it all the timeWhy do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that..?Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel Like you're less than fuckin' perfectPretty pretty please, if you ever ever feelLike you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to meYou're perfect, you're perfect! Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing You're fuckin' perfect to me...

Blahness

I still have no motivation. I feel like I'm on the edge barely holding on. I know that in order to help myself, i need to reach out more, and put myself out there. However, I don't want too. I don't see the point in reaching out when I know I will always be rejected. I have always felt like I don't belong. I feel like I'm in a corner, while others are fitting in. I feel like a stranger looking in. I don't know where I go from here. Its not fair to me, what I do...but I cant see to stop this madness. Where do I start?

A Break through

Today I have had a breakthough. I have had so hatrid in me for so long that I can't tell you when this first began. I really have so mch hatrid against me that I cant really explain why. I consider myself second rate to others. I feel like others deserve to be treated better than me. I believe that my needs and wants come for others than myself.

I know its sad to hear but its true. I have been in therapy for a month now. I am still not sure why or how this has happened. Today though, why I was sharing my depressing journal entries with my counselor, she pointed out that I would not treat a baby or a girl the way I treat myself so why do I contine to belittle, insult the child in myself? Isnt the little girl inside me, deserves to be treated special, and help in love. I know I have a long ways to go in therapy.

Below is one of my journal entries that I have written.

I know that I am an over sensitive person who belives everyones pain and suffering should be put on my shoulders.

I feel dead inside. I have no joy, no happiness, Just sadness and numbness. I don't know how to handle my emotions. My rational being just wants me to snap out of it. My other side just wants me to suffer. That side has alot of hatrid and bitterness. That part controls 95% of my being. This side thinks I deserve the pain and just wants me to disapear.

Starting Over

In the past, I have blogs, but this is going to be my clear slate. I will be honest in the past year, my life has dramactically changed, and in the last three months, my life has been in a total tail spin, and I fell into a dark, darm abyss. I am still trying to climb out of it. So, this blog, is going to be all about my struggles, and my attempts to find a job. I am hoping by posting in this arena, I will not be judged. I am hoping that I will be able to get back out of this abyss, and maybe I can help others who will experience this pain so much.